Author: Paula Bruce, Ph.D.
The divorce is final and you now live in separate homes. You hoped that the physical distance between the two of you would finally bring relief, but when that sharply worded text arrives about a missing school uniform, you find yourself quickly defending your character, revisiting an old argument, and feeling as upset as you did during the marriage.
For some parents, this is one of the most exhausting realities of divorce. The relationship may have legally ended, but the emotional relationship persists. After divorce, raising children together may still require contact with someone who, at times, may be critical, unreliable, or unwilling to cooperate, and who has the capacity to stir up feelings that often seem to lead to bitterness and anger.
Research has found that children's adjustment after divorce relies not only on the quality of parenting that the children receive, but also on how the children experience conflict between their parents. Successful co-parenting therefore begins with a reasonable goal: create a space that helps your children to feel safe so that they know what to expect, and know how express their feelings freely and ensure that they are protected from the conflicts between you and your ex. This is a goal you can work on even when your former partner offers limited cooperation.
Let go of the need for your ex to finally understand
One of the biggest carryovers from an emotionally charged marriage after a divorce is that you may still want your former partner to acknowledge what happened, to recognize how much you carried and to understand why you were hurt. These wishes are understandable, especially if the marriage ended without honesty or accountability. You may have the desire to have it known that you were right, and they were wrong.
But think carefully about what happens when every parenting conversation with your ex becomes a conscious or unconscious attempt to obtain that acknowledgment. A disagreement about homework can become a debate about who was the more responsible spouse. A schedule change can bring back a familiar experience of having your needs dismissed by your ex.
So how can you handle situations like this? When you find yourself engaged in a challenging conversation with your ex, ask yourself: “What am I hoping this conversation will give me?”
If the answer is an apology, vindication, or proof that you mattered, a discussion about your child's weekend is unlikely to satisfy that need. Those feelings deserve attention in a setting where they can actually be heard and explored in greater depth. It won’t happen in a shouting match with your ex. It won’t happen in a text message row. And it definitely won’t happen by talking to your children about it. You should be taking those feelings to your own therapy.
Notice what happens inside you before you respond
A familiar accusation may activate you very quickly. Perhaps you feel compelled to explain everything. Perhaps you become cutting or sarcastic. Perhaps you agree immediately because disagreement feels unbearable, and then feel resentful afterward.
It helps to become curious about that sequence. What did the message say? What meaning did you attach to it? What are you now feeling pressured to do?
Sometimes the feelings evoked have a longer history. Being dismissed by an ex may touch a much older experience of being ignored. Being criticized may revive a familiar fear of never being good enough. Recognizing what has been stirred up can help you choose how to respond. In this case, it will be important to explore the possibility that these kinds of feelings may have even pre-dated your relationship with your ex and that your reaction may not just be about the present moment but may be rooted in your early childhood experiences.
For a non-urgent message, give yourself enough time to settle before responding. Step away from the screen. Draft a reply elsewhere if that helps. Then ask: “What response would be useful for my child?”
You may still feel angry when you send it. You can choose words that serve your purpose while acknowledging that anger privately.
Keep in mind that necessary information and urgent decisions still need timely attention. A pause should only be used to help you respond thoughtfully, rather than becoming a way of withholding communication or punishing your ex.
Make communication and boundaries concrete
When communication becomes strained, give each exchange a specific purpose. Discuss the appointment, the school concern, or the proposed schedule change. Keep the request clear enough that the other parent can answer it.
Suppose a message contains several personal criticisms and a question about Friday's pickup. A useful reply might be:
“I can collect Maya at 4 p.m. on Friday. Please confirm the pickup location.”
You can answer the practical question without defending your entire parenting history. Serious allegations or safety concerns may require a fuller response through the appropriate professional or legal channel. A back and forth between you and your ex will not get you the acknowledgement that you really want.
Where feasible, use one agreed written channel like OurFamilyWizard (OFW), TalkingParents, AppClose or Custody X Change for routine parenting matters. Establish reasonable response times, and have a separate arrangement for emergencies. A shared calendar can help keep information in one place, provided both parents can safely access and use it.
A workable parenting plan should clarify exchanges, holidays, notice for changes, and how school and medical information will be shared. It should also identify who makes which decisions and how unresolved disagreements will be addressed. Work within existing agreements and Court Orders, and seek appropriate help when changes are needed.
Keep this in mind, however: some flexibility can benefit your children. Consider requests in light of their needs, your actual capacity, and the pattern over time. You do not have to prove that you are cooperative by agreeing to every request. You also do not have to prove that you are not a pushover by denying every request.
Allow your child to have an experience that differs from yours
This may be the hardest emotional task of all.
Your child may return from the other home excited about a wonderful afternoon. You may feel a painful flicker of resentment: “How can they be so happy with someone who caused me so much hurt?”
That feeling deserves your attention, but that needs to happen within your own therapy. Your child needs room to enjoy a safe relationship with their other parent without managing your reaction.
Equally, allow your child to express disappointment or anger about their other parent without immediately turning those feelings into confirmation of everything you believe about your ex. Listen to what your child is actually describing. Avoid repeated questioning that pressures them to produce a particular account to justify your pre-existing conclusions about your ex.
You might say:
“You sound disappointed. Tell me what happened.”
Of course, if your child describes frightening, abusive, or unsafe behavior, take it seriously and seek appropriate help. Giving children room for their feelings includes making it safe to disclose harm.
Keep adult disputes with adults. Children should not carry messages about money, gather information about the other household, or be forced to decide which parent's account of a story is correct. Trash talking the other parent to your children or placing your children in loyalty binds by pressuring them, directly or indirectly, to take sides is extremely damaging to them, even if it temporarily makes you feel better.
Pay attention to the quieter moments, too. Notice your expression when your child mentions the other parent. What might your child feel expected to say?
Let your child know:
“You can tell me about your time there. You don't have to take care of my feelings.”
Then support those words through your behavior.
Consider whether parallel parenting would be more workable
Some parents can eventually cooperate comfortably. Others repeatedly find that direct discussion becomes increasingly hostile, even around straightforward matters.
A parent who argues about vacation arrangements presents a different problem from a parent who uses threats, stalking, violence, or coercive control. Child abuse, serious neglect, and caregiving impaired by substance use also require particular attention.
Where there is abuse or ongoing danger, safety must guide the parenting arrangement. In cases like these, you should seek support from professionals with expertise in domestic violence or child protection, alongside appropriate legal advice. When a violent history has existed in the marriage, conjoint co-parenting sessions and close engagement may be unsafe and a different kind of co-parenting structure will need to be contemplated. A professionally developed parallel parenting arrangement may help. This uses detailed arrangements and limited direct contact, with each parent managing day-to-day care during their parenting time. Major decisions and the exchange of essential information still need clearly assigned responsibilities consistent with the Parenting Plan or Court Order. A Parenting Plan Coordinator (PPC) may be needed in these cases.
The aim is to reduce children's exposure to parental conflict. It may mean brief exchanges, written updates, and fewer opportunities for improvised negotiation.
Become a parent who can reflect and repair
Your ex's behavior may occupy so much of your attention that it becomes difficult to notice what is happening in your own home. This is a reminder to focus on your side of the street, not theirs.
Keep ordinary parts of your child's life dependable where you can. Follow through on your promises. Make room for play and conversation. Maintain reasonable routines and limits without turning differences between households into a competition. Predictability and opportunities to talk about feelings can help children adjust to family changes.
There will also be moments when you get it wrong. You may make a cutting remark or let your frustration spill into a conversation your child should never have had to hear.
When that happens, return to it:
“You heard me say something unkind about your dad. I was upset, and I should have handled that with another adult. I'm sorry. Next time I will step away before I speak.”
Allow your child to respond. Avoid explaining the apology away with another criticism of your ex. Repair includes changing what you do afterward.
Give your own feelings somewhere to go
Co-parenting becomes even harder when you are trying to manage grief, loneliness, financial pressure, and anger without enough support.
Seek out adults who can listen thoughtfully and help you think clearly. Individual therapy can offer space to examine what keeps drawing you back into the conflict. Parenting support can help you respond differently when your child is upset, set limits, and manage difficult transitions. Where it is safe and appropriate, co-parenting therapy may help both parents establish more workable arrangements and reduce tension and loyalty binds for the children.
Your child may need support as well. Persistent changes in sleep, school functioning, mood, or behavior warrant attention from a qualified child mental health professional.
Your former partner may remain difficult. However, you can still co-parent with them and build a home in which your child experiences care, steadiness, and room to grow.
If you are struggling with co-parenting after divorce, PBA Psychology offers co-parenting therapy, parent coaching, individual therapy, and support for children and families. Learn more about our high-conflict family services at pbapsychology.com/high-conflict, or contact us at (310) 271-2275 to discuss the support that fits your family.