“I Hate to Break This To You, But They’re Not Going To Change”
What happens when you find yourself wanting to mold or reshape your partner to fit your personal expectations or ideals? You may imagine that if you are able to change aspects of your partner, you will finally be in the perfect relationship or have all your desires affirmed through this person. With this goal in mind, you might find yourself fixated on your partner’s perceived flaws and frustrations, rather than understanding the motivation behind why you want to change these aspects of your partner. By focusing on what you want to change in your partner, you may be avoiding understanding your own insecurities that your partner reflects back to you. These insecurities are parts of yourself you may struggle to accept and therefore wish to change.
By attempting to change your partner, you might be trying to create a corrective emotional experience through them. It is common for people to find themselves in relationship patterns that mirror their experiences with their caregivers or parents. The familiarity of dynamics from your childhood may find you gravitating towards people who reflect the emotional experiences you have encountered in the past. The fantasy is that if you can change your partner, who is a reflection of your past, you could create a corrective emotional experience for yourself. In other words, you could break the cycle and create an experience that is different from what you have known. However, you may not be able to elicit the change you want from your partner. This reality is difficult to accept, especially when you feel that having your needs met depends on the behaviors, actions, or qualities of others. Trying to change your partner is often a defense against the uncomfortable realization that you are not in control of their actions, feelings, or choices. So, what if they don’t change? This fear can be linked to your sense of worthiness in the relationship. If your partner is unable to change and meet your desires, it might cause you to question your sense of worthiness in the relationship. You may begin to believe that you are unworthy of the love or attention you crave. Therefore, changing your partner becomes a way to mitigate this perceived threat to your sense of self.
Through therapy, you can explore your childhood and emotional experiences and gain insight into the unconscious patterns that drive your behavior in relationships. Through this process, you may begin to understand your fears, insecurities, and unmet needs that fuel your desire to change your partner. The more you can understand your own emotional history and recognize your needs, the more empowered you become in making decisions for yourself—rather than attempting to change what you cannot control. By gaining this awareness, you can reflect on how you are choosing partners based on old emotional dynamics. With this understanding, you can begin to make more conscious choices about who you enter relationships with and find care in appropriate places with someone who is capable of meeting your needs. You can decide what kind of relationship is possible with your partner and learn to communicate your needs without attempting to control or change your partner. You can even discover how to provide yourself with the care and needs you have desired from others.
For more information about or help with working through challenging relationships, please reach out to us at (310) 271 2275 or email us at info@pbapsychology. We’re here to help.