Parental Favoritism and Sibling Rivalry: How Early Family Dynamics Shape Identity
“Mom loves you more than she loves me.” “You’ve always been Dad’s favorite.” “It’s not fair! You always take her side!”
These painful declarations echo in many families. Beneath them lies anger, sadness, and the deep sense of being unseen or less valued.
While most parents may insist that they do not have a “favorite child,” research suggests that parental favoritism is more common than many may want to admit. This favoritism is not always intentional. Often, it emerges from subtle preferences shaped by birth order, temperament, gender, or shared interests. A firstborn may receive more recognition for accomplishments, while the youngest may be indulged. A child who is, frankly, easier to manage may naturally elicit more warmth, while one whose personality mirrors a parent’s may be met with more connection. Regardless of how it takes shape, children feel it, and whether expressed openly or subtly, favoritism leaves a lasting mark on sibling relationships and identity.
It is important to note that favoritism does not mean parents lack love for their children. Most parents love their children deeply. Yet attachment and behavior are often influenced by unconscious biases that tilt the balance toward one child or another, whether the favoritism is intended or not. The consequences of these early dynamics can be profound, shaping both the child who feels overlooked and the one who is favored.
For the less-favored child, the impact often shows up as struggles with self-esteem and belonging. Feelings of rejection, jealousy, and resentment can grow over time, sometimes manifesting later as anxiety, depression, or difficulty trusting others. However, the favored child is not exempt from challenges either. While it may seem that being the favored child is the more ideal place to be in, being placed in the “special” role can bring pressure to maintain it, guilt toward siblings, or an overdependence on approval. Some grow accustomed to entitlement while others experience strained sibling bonds from the resentment of those left out.
Sibling relationships often become the battleground where favoritism plays out most vividly. Children may compete fiercely for parental attention, striving to outperform one another in academics, sports, or behavior in hopes of securing love or special attention. Conflicts can escalate into teasing, fighting, or subtle undermining. Over time, children begin to define themselves in contrast to each other - the smart one versus the athletic one, the easy child versus the difficult one. These identity scripts, written in childhood, often follow them into adulthood, influencing career choices, friendships, and romantic relationships.
Psychologists recognize that these early roles act as blueprints that shape self-concept. The child who felt overlooked may carry a lingering belief of being “not good enough,” while the favored child may struggle with people-pleasing, perfectionism, or the fear of losing approval. These patterns also impact sibling bonds across the lifespan. Some brothers and sisters remain estranged, carrying resentment into adulthood. Others reconcile once they begin to understand the parental dynamics that shaped their rivalry. Many find healing through therapy, which offers a chance to reframe childhood experiences and build healthier identities beyond old family roles.
The good news is that the cycle of favoritism and rivalry can be interrupted. Parents who take the time to reflect on unconscious biases often find ways to distribute affection, attention, and discipline more fairly. Children benefit enormously when they are encouraged to express their feelings without judgment, and when those feelings are acknowledged rather than dismissed. Even when favoritism is unintentional, validating a child’s perception of the unevenness can make a powerful difference. Therapy, whether family sessions that explore hidden dynamics or individual sessions that strengthen self-image, can help both parents and children build healthier bonds.
Sibling rivalry should not be dismissed as mere childhood squabbling. When fueled by favoritism, it can deeply shape self-esteem, sibling relationships, and lifelong identity. Recognizing these dynamics, and addressing them with honesty and support, creates opportunities for healing and for building stronger, more connected families.
If you or your family are struggling with the impact of sibling rivalry or parental favoritism, therapy can help uncover hidden patterns and foster healthier, more supportive relationships. Call us at (310) 271-2275, email us at info@pbapsychology.com or contact us here to discuss scheduling an appointment.