The Narcissist in You

Sep 23

You’ve seen the TikToks, the Instagram reels, and the countless online posts labeling people as “narcissists.” These videos and posts often frame narcissism as a toxic personality trait, a sign of selfishness, or an explanation for every disappointing relationship. While some of these observations have truth, the reality is more nuanced. Narcissism is not simply about selfishness or arrogance. It is both a natural part of human development and, in its extreme forms, a clinical condition.

So let’s slow down, step away from the internet noise, and really look at what narcissism is, what it isn’t, and why it matters to understand the difference.

In popular culture view, narcissism is often equated with being self-absorbed, entitled, manipulative, or lacking empathy. In this view, narcissists are villains - people who harm others for their own gain. However, from a clinical perspective, narcissism is more complex. It includes traits like self-focus, pride, and the need for recognition that are not inherently bad. In fact, they are essential for self-esteem, motivation, and survival. However, problems arise when these traits become rigid, extreme, or destructive. This is when we talk about pathological narcissism or a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Therefore, it is important to understand that narcissism, in its early and healthy forms, is vital to human development. It provides the foundation for:

Self-esteem: the ability to think well of oneself
Confidence: the belief that one can achieve and succeed
Boundary-setting: the capacity to prioritize one’s own needs
Ambition and creativity: the drive to pursue goals and showcase talents

Think about infants and young children crying to get attention, proudly showing parents their artwork, demanding to be seen and celebrated. This early egocentrism is not pathological. It is how children learn that their needs matter and how they develop resilience and self-worth.

The development of a balanced self with healthy narcissism requires two things from caregivers: (1) empathic attunement which involves parents mirroring and validating a child’s needs and (2) limits and structure which involves helping children understand they are important but not the center of the universe. When these are missing, children may grow up with distorted views of themselves and others. If their needs are ignored, they may develop a fragile sense of self and seek constant validation. However, if their demands are never limited, they may develop entitlement and expect the world to bend to them. Both paths can lead to forms of pathological narcissism that are maladaptive in adulthood.

Pathological narcissism is characterized by grandiosity and inflated self-importance, a lack of empathy or disregard for others’ needs, an excessive need for admiration, exploitative or manipulative behavior and difficulty with criticism or perceived rejection. When these patterns are pervasive and impair daily functioning, a person may meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Importantly, not every difficult or selfish person is a narcissist - and not every narcissistic trait is abusive.

The term narcissistic abuse is now widely used online and in common parlance, often to describe relationships where one partner dominates, gaslights, or emotionally harms the other. While these experiences are real and painful, it is important to note that abuse can come from individuals with many different personality styles, not only narcissists. Labeling every manipulative or toxic behavior as “narcissistic” can dilute the meaning and prevent deeper understanding.

A more balanced perspective is to see narcissistic abuse as a pattern of relational harm rooted in pathological narcissism, but not as a blanket explanation for all unhealthy relationships or the inevitable consequence of the mere existence of narcissism.

The truth is narcissistic traits live in all of us. Wanting recognition, desiring admiration, or feeling proud of our accomplishments are not flaws, they are part of healthy self-love. These traits fuel ambition, creativity, and resilience. Rather than treating “narcissism” as a toxic label, we can approach it as a spectrum of human traits. On one end, narcissism supports confidence, boundary-setting, and self-esteem. On the other end, when rigid and extreme, it can distort relationships and cause harm.

The challenge, and the opportunity, is to understand where we fall on that spectrum in different moments of our lives. Shaming ourselves, or others, for displaying narcissistic traits misses the point. For example, pride in achievements can be reframed as healthy self-worth; desiring recognition can reflect a need for connection and affirmation; asserting needs can be a sign of boundary-setting, not selfishness. By accepting that we all have narcissism within us, we normalize it as a part of being human, rather than a moral failing.

With the surge of social media content on narcissism, it is easy to label every selfish, arrogant, or unkind behavior as “narcissistic personality disorder.” But pathologizing too quickly can (a) prevent us from seeing the healthy functions of self-focus (b) oversimplify complex human behaviors into a single negative label (c) create stigma that discourages self-reflection and growth or (d) harm relationships by fueling blame rather than curiosity or compassion. Clinical narcissism (like NPD) is real and serious, but it is not the same as normal narcissistic traits that everyone experiences. Recognizing this distinction helps us avoid reducing people (or ourselves) to one label.

Therefore, narcissism should not be a dirty word. It is a normal, necessary part of being human. Only when it becomes extreme and unbalanced does it cross into pathology. Recognizing this nuance allows us to see the narcissist not just “out there,” but also within ourselves - where healthy self-love and confidence can thrive.

If you’re struggling with narcissistic dynamics in your relationships, or within yourself, therapy can help provide clarity, boundaries, and healthier patterns.

If you are interested in therapy to explore these issues further, please contact us today, call (310) 271 2275, or email info@pbapsychology.com to schedule an appointment.