Young, Gifted & Anxious
I have had the honor and privilege of working with a number of very intelligent and accomplished people who have also been quite anxious. The client described in this article is not a real person but a combination of several clients who have struggled with this issue.
Abigail was a bright and shy little girl who always paid attention to what others expected of her. She listened and watched others intently and this guided her behavior most of the time. As she began to realize that her performance in school was being monitored, she focused and worked hard to do well. The more she did, the more she was praised and this began the cycle of her hard work, need to perform and anxiety.
As a young woman, Abigail came to therapy knowing that she was anxious, but she didn’t understand why. She grew up in an intact, stable family. She had been loved and well cared for by her parents. Her parents were kind. She was a high achiever and had been well rewarded for her hard work in school and in her career. She regularly received many achievement awards at the end of each school year. Once, she needed a wagon to cart out all of the awards she had received at the school rewards ceremony . . . which she experienced as mortifying. She was told to always do her best and that’s exactly what she did. She wanted to meet the expectations of others and of herself, but she didn’t want so much attention. And, she didn’t want the expectations, but she didn’t know what to do about that. She enjoyed being an achiever and greatly benefitted from it in many ways, but she was exhausted from pushing herself so much and tired of being so anxious.
In her family, Abigail was often tasked with caring for her younger siblings, and she was often put in the position of being her mother’s confidante. As a child, she enjoyed being the person that her family relied on. It made her feel special and grown up. It also made her feel anxious because she felt responsible for doing things that she didn’t feel capable of and wasn’t developmentally ready for. She felt tremendous responsibility to take care of and resolve others’ problems and feelings. Of course, she didn’t know this as a child. She just did what she thought she was supposed to do.
In our work together, Abigail learned that she rarely paid attention to her own wants or needs. She didn’t know whether a task she took on was something she actually wanted to do or if she did it because it was expected of her. She didn’t question it. She simply did what she thought she was supposed to do to the best of her ability, which was almost always stellar. We discovered that she was good at intuitively knowing what others expected of her and that she took on the expectations as a mandate. For that, she received a lot of external validation. Others were happy with her, and she thought that was supposed to make her happy too. She didn’t know if she felt happy, but she did know she felt very anxious.
Abigail was able to recognize that she constantly sought external validation. The problem with constantly needing and receiving external validation is that the satisfaction she derived was fleeting. It felt good in the moment, but then it was on to the next thing, creating a constant cycle of hard work, managing others’ expectations and seeking validation. When she didn’t receive adequate validation, she would wonder if she did something wrong or didn’t do enough and feelings of insecurity and anxiety would inevitably arise. This anxiety happened because she put the power over her feelings of adequacy into the hands of others, leaving her feeling like she had no control. Further, she relied on validation from people who were inconsistent and self-focused -- they were not thinking about her feelings or experience. Sometimes, the validation she received didn’t feel gratifying at all. She described this feeling as being a little “off,” coming to the realization that she had underlying feelings of resentment that existed because her “accomplishment” was not in alignment with what she wanted for herself.
The work for Abigail to become less anxious involved her paying attention to her internal experience — her feelings, her desires, her thoughts, instead of focusing on what others wanted from her. She worked on noticing her internal reaction when someone asked her to do something or when she simply perceived that someone had expectations of her, then asking herself whether it was something she wanted to do and why. She began paying attention to how she felt as she was doing something and asking herself: Do I find this enjoyable, gratifying, interesting? Am I doing this to please others or myself? Is this thing in alignment with my goals, desires, values? Do I want to say “no” or implement boundaries* for myself? After doing this evaluation and answering these questions, she could then make a conscious decision about what she wanted to do next – say “yes,” or “no,” or “not now.”
The hardest part of the work involved her realizing and acting on the idea that she isn’t and can’t be responsible for others. She worked toward believing that she had no control over what others think or feel about her or their expectations of her and that sacrificing herself to meet others’ expectations was not only anxiety provoking, it was ultimately a bottomless pit. She came to understand that she could care deeply about the people in her life and care for herself at the same time. Change does not happen immediately. It is gradual and takes work, consciousness and recognition of the choices one has. If this is something that you’re struggling with, therapy can make a difference.
*For more about boundaries, see my article, “The Thing About Boundaries.”
If you are interested in therapy to explore these issues further, please contact us today, call (310) 271 2275, or email info@pbapsychology.com to schedule an appointment.
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