Who is the Adoptee: Navigating Adoption as an Identity

Guest Author: Alyssa Habschmidt, M.A., AMFT

Adoption is not just an “event” that happens to a family; it is a lived experience that ignites many powerful emotions (some easier to manage than others), paving the way for a unique identity and experience. It touches many lives, whether you are an adoptee, adoptive parent, adoptive family member, or a friend.

Adoption is a one-of-a-kind identity. It permeates an adoptee’s life and can come to mind in small, everyday moments. This sensitivity can be overlooked by others and unrecognizable to someone who does not share in the experience of adoption.

Adoption can come with a range of emotions: sadness, grief, anger, confusion, emptiness, a sense of not belonging, joy, excitement, and gratitude.

Understanding adoption as an identity means understanding that it is multifaceted and intricate. Therefore, to break it down, below is a list of recurring themes. Understand, though, that this list is not all-encompassing. Adoption as an identity is fluid, and each adoptee may navigate it in different and unique ways.

Grief & Loss

At the heart of adoption is loss, a wound of separation. The separation is often abrupt, but can also be long and painful. Either way, the biological attachment bond between the birth parent and child is disrupted. While some separations occur because of unsafe circumstances, including abuse or neglect, others happen even when the birth parents are loving but unable to parent. Regardless of the situation, the child’s developing brain encodes the separation as loss and threat.

Children are biologically wired to expect continuity with their parents. When separation occurs, the developing brain interprets it as danger. This unresolved grief can be preverbal and often manifests later as intense, painful emotions. For an adoptee, grieving the loss of a birth parent hits deeply. Sometimes it can be difficult to grieve when one doesn’t know what they lost.

Ambiguous loss, coined by Dr. Pauline Boss, can best be used to describe an adoptee’s grief. Ambiguous loss is a profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with the death of a loved one. It can be a loss of emotional connection when a person’s physical presence remains, or when that emotional connection remains, but a physical connection is lost. Often, there isn’t a sense of closure. According to Dr. Pauline Boss, ambiguous loss is like “frozen grief” as it elicits a feeling of being stuck in the mourning process without any clear resolution.

Rejection

The sense of rejection has compounding emotional layers stemming from the experience of being placed for adoption. Even if the decision was made for the adoptee’s well-being, the knowledge of being “given up” can lead to feeling unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving of care. Furthermore, the internalized rejection can impact an adoptee’s self-esteem and self-worth, and leave them questioning if they have any value at all. The question about why they were “given up” can have profound reverberations. They may believe they were simply “not wanted”.

Identity

An adoptee’s sense of identity is impacted, particularly if information about biological heritage, cultural background, or medical history is unknown. This feeling of not fully knowing where they come from can lead to a sense of disconnection from their roots. Additionally, growing up in a biologically different family may lead to feelings of being an outsider and not fully belonging, even if the adoptive family provides a loving and supportive environment.

The desire to search for and connect with their birth family can sometimes be motivated to fill the gaps in identity, to know more fully who they are, and to fulfill a longing to understand their origins. If an adoptee is able to reunite with their birth family, the reunion itself can be emotionally challenging. Expectations may not match reality, and unresolved feelings of rejection or abandonment may surface during the process.

Guilt & Shame

Feelings of guilt and shame can feel like second nature to an adoptee when thinking about their adoption. The adoptee may feel guilty for having questions or curiosity about their birth family, or they may carry a sense of shame about being biologically different from their adoptive family.

Even infants adopted at birth can internalize feelings of rejection or confusion as their brain develops. Add in trauma, abuse, neglect, or multiple placements, and the message becomes louder: “Something is broken inside of me.” These feelings may be intensified by a lack of information about their story, racial or cultural identity struggles, feeling different from peers or family, and silence around adoption in the home.

To further understand how guilt and shame are woven into an adoptee’s experience, let’s break it down:

Shame may sound like: “Something is wrong with me.”

• “Why didn’t my birth parents want me?”

• “I’m too much…or not enough.”

• “If people knew the real me, they wouldn’t love or care about me.”

Guilt may sound like: “I did something wrong.”

• “Was it my fault I was given up/taken away?”

• “Maybe if I had been better, my life would be different.”

• “Is it ‘bad’ to love both my birth and adoptive families?”

Control

Human beings need to feel in control to feel secure. The desire for autonomy and control over one’s life unfolds through each stage of development and throughout adulthood. Adoptees are forced to contend with the early loss of control and the reality that this primary experience cannot be changed.

For adoptees, the early loss of control that moved them from one family tree to another resulted in the ultimate loss of power and control. Traumatic losses and multiple attachment disruptions are a repeated assault on one’s need to feel empowered, secure, valued, and connected.

All the unidentified, unacknowledged, unknown, and ungrieved losses can create intense feelings of powerlessness and loss of control. Adoptees lose a profound sense of control as they have no input into the decision that changed their life trajectory and determined who their family would be. Children who experienced foster care before adoption must cope with how they joined their particular family. They may wonder, “With all the families in the world, how did I end up with this family?”

Final Thoughts (Adoption-friendly language)

Using adoption-friendly language is important, whether speaking directly with an adoptee or whether you yourself are an adoptee sharing your experience. Words matter so much. Accurate adoption language can help stop the spread of misconceptions and reflect respect for everyone involved and their unique experiences.

Friendly considerations for adoption language:

• Instead of “Real/Natural parent” try “Birth parent, biological parent, first parent”

• Instead of “Adoptive Parent” try “Parent”

• Instead of “Adopted Child” try “Child”

• Instead of “True/Natural child” try “Child born to me, biological child”

• Instead of “Gave up/put up for adoption” try “Made an adoption plan”

• Instead of “Keep the baby” try “Parent the baby”

• Instead of “Chosen family” try “Family”

Using considerate and friendly language can make all the difference. The adoptee is aware of how one refers to them, their story, and their family. If you are navigating adoption in your life–whether as a child, parent, or family member–reach out here. At PBA, we work with children, individuals, and families to support and navigate the complex emotions and identities that come up with adoption.

For more information about therapy around issues of adoption and identity, please reach out to us at (310) 271 2275 or via our website here. We’re here to help!