There are few emotional reversals as painful as watching what was once love turn into contempt. In the beginning of a relationship, the qualities that drew two people together often feel vivid, charming, and full of promise. A partner’s free spirit may have felt exciting. Their responsibility may have felt safe. Their confidence may have felt attractive. Their strength may have felt reassuring. Their easygoing nature may have made life feel lighter. But in high-conflict marriages and divorces, those same qualities can become distorted through the lens of hurt, betrayal, fear, and anger. The free spirit becomes “irresponsible.” The responsible partner becomes “rigid.” Confidence becomes “arrogance.” Strength becomes “controlling” or “bossy.” Easygoing becomes “wishy-washy.” What was once admired becomes demonized.

You’re sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic after picking up your kids. You still have to get home, make dinner, help with homework, and get everyone to bed at a reasonable hour. Maybe—maybe—you’ll have a moment to yourself at the end of it all.

As the frustration builds, you start to vent. There’s a part of you that knows your kids aren’t the right people to unload on. And then there’s another part, perhaps the louder part in this moment that is just crying out for help.