Why You Shouldn’t Turn Your Child Into Your Therapist, Especially During a Divorce

Guest Author: Jolie Rittenberry-Kraemer, M.A.

You’re going through a divorce. You’re overwhelmed, angry, grieving, scared, and you don’t know who to turn to.

 You’re sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic after picking up your kids. You still have to get home, make dinner, help with homework, and get everyone to bed at a reasonable hour. Maybe—maybe—you’ll have a moment to yourself at the end of it all.

As the frustration builds, you start to vent. There’s a part of you that knows your kids aren’t the right people to unload on. And then there’s another part, perhaps the louder part in this moment that is just crying out for help.

 In moments like this, it can feel almost impossible not to say something. Especially about your ex—now your co-parent.

But even small moments of venting to your child can have lasting effects.

When Kids Lose Their Sense of Stability

Children rely on their parents not just for love, but for a sense of safety and consistency. Before the divorce, their world may have felt predictable: two parents under one roof, a routine they trusted.

After a separation, that foundation shifts.

When a parent vents about the other, children begin to ask questions they shouldn’t have to ask: Where do I belong? Who do I side with? Will I hurt my parent just by being honest?

Something as simple as enjoying more freedom at one house, a certain food, screen time, can suddenly feel like a betrayal. They may carry guilt for things that should feel normal.

The Pressure to Protect You

You might think saying, “Tell me if this makes you uncomfortable” is enough. But for a child, that’s not realistic because they look to you unconsciously for their protection and survival.

 In this current period of change, they are hyper-attuned to any signs of scarcity.

Your child is already navigating the loss of the family structure they once knew. They feel the tension between you and the other parent whether or not it’s spoken. When you begin to vent, they’re far more likely to absorb it than to set a boundary with you.

If they sense that talking about the other parent upsets you, they may start to hide parts of their life. They may filter what they say, what they feel, what they enjoy.

Over time, they internalize a quiet belief: It’s my job to take care of my parent’s feelings.

This is called parentification— and it places an emotional burden on a child that they aren’t meant to carry.

What This Does to a Child

No matter how mature or wise your child may seem, they are still a child. And they have a right to their childhood.

That doesn’t just mean play and lightness—it means the freedom to trust that the adults in their life can handle the hard things.

 When that trust is shaken, it can be deeply disorienting. Children may feel isolated, unsure of where they can safely express themselves. If they can’t come to you without worrying about your reaction, they lose one of their most important sources of support.

It also affects their sense of identity.

Children see themselves as a reflection of both parents. They absorb traits, values, and behaviors from each of you as part of who they are. When one parent is criticized, they may not be able to experience it as separate from themselves—they often feel like a part of them is being rejected.

Over time, they may begin to distance themselves from anything that reminds them of that parent. They might suppress certain traits, preferences, or pieces of their personality to maintain closeness with you.

This creates an internal conflict: Who am I allowed to be?

 Instead of developing a stable sense of self, they can start to feel divided—like parts of them are unsafe or unacceptable. That kind of inner tension can follow them well into adulthood.

Your Feelings Deserve a Place—Just Not in Your Child

Divorce brings intense emotions: anger, grief, jealousy, fear, and betrayal. All of it is valid, and all of it deserves to be heard.

 But your child is not the place to process those feelings.

 They are not equipped to carry them, and they shouldn’t have to.

 If you’re feeling like there is nowhere for those emotions to go, it’s a sign that  you need support.

Therapy gives you a space where you don’t have to filter yourself. A space where you can say the messy, unfiltered, complicated things without worrying about who it will hurt. A space where your feelings are held by someone who is equipped to help you make sense of them.

Because the truth is, you can’t do this alone, and you’re not supposed to.

 The more supported you are, the steadier you can be for your child. The more you process your pain in the right places, the less it spills into the spaces where your child needs safety.

Even if your child feels like the closest person to you right now—even if they seem like “the only one who understands”—they still need to be the one who leans on you.

Getting the support you need isn’t selfish. It’s part of being the parent they need.

Supporting Families at PBA Psychology Group

At PBA Psychology Group, we understand how difficult divorce is on individuals and families. Our clinicians are experienced in helping families strengthen communication, manage conflict, and navigate the emotional ups and downs of separation.

Whether you or your child is struggling with coping in the face of divorce, therapy can help you both process, reconnect, and move forward with confidence.

If you’re ready to support your family’s growth, we invite you to contact us at pbapsychology.com/contact or call us at (310) 271 2275 to learn more about our child, adolescent, and family therapy services.