Finding the ‘Me’ in ‘We’: A Key to Effective Couples Therapy
Guest Author: Kelvin Martinez, M.A., LMFT
When couples first come into therapy, it’s common for sessions to begin with a focus on what each partner wishes the other would change. Partners may come in feeling unheard, and furthermore feeling criticized. The conversation can quickly fill with frustration and unmet expectations. In the beginning this is understandable—and can even be necessary— but it’s rarely where meaningful change happens. Real growth in couples therapy begins when each person starts turning the focus to their own patterns, their own responsibilities, and their own areas for growth.
The Common Starting Point
In the early stages of therapy, many partners need space to express long-held grievances or disappointments. Voicing these frustrations can bring relief and give the therapist important insight into the emotional landscape of the relationship. This stage can even be essential if one or both partners have spent years suppressing their needs or avoiding conflict.
However, couples therapy is not primarily a space for proving who is right. Its greatest value emerges when partners move from complaint toward curiosity—about themselves, their patterns, and how those patterns shape the dynamics between them. This shift from external blame to personal reflection is what allows therapy to deepen.
Shifting from Blame to Responsibility
Some of the most transformative moments in couples therapy occur when a partner begins to recognize their own contribution to the conflict cycle. This doesn’t mean taking all the blame; rather, it’s about taking ownership of one’s reactions, expectations, and emotional stance.
For example, a partner who feels afraid of making conflicts worse might begin to notice how they withdraw in moments of tension, unintentionally signaling disinterest. As this awareness grows, so does their ability to respond differently—to stay engaged, to speak from vulnerability rather than defensively shutting down.
Research supports the importance of this kind of self-focus. A 2022 randomized controlled trial found that self-awareness training significantly increased marital satisfaction among couples compared to standard problem-solving interventions.¹ Similarly, studies on relationship mindfulness have shown that when partners stay present to their own internal experiences and their partner’s emotional cues, day-to-day positive behaviors and relationship satisfaction improve—even among couples with insecure attachment styles.²
From a therapeutic standpoint, this work involves developing mindfulness and compassion—qualities that help partners pause before reacting, listen more fully, and recognize the underlying emotions that drive conflict. As each person takes responsibility for their own side of the dance, new possibilities for connection emerge.
Seeing the Partner as a Real Person
Another common obstacle in couples therapy is the wish for a partner to conform to one’s own idealized image. It’s easy to misshape love and desire into an expectation that the other person will finally become who we want them to be. Yet, this stance can prevent genuine intimacy, because it prioritizes a fantasy rather than the real, complex individual across from us.
Therapeutic progress often unfolds as partners learn to see each other more clearly—to recognize the validity in the other’s experience even when there is difference or disagreement. This kind of seeing increases a person’s sense of differentiation: the ability to remain connected while holding onto one’s individuality. When both partners begin to understand and respect each other’s inner worlds, empathy deepens, and the relationship becomes more resilient.
A Reflective Invitation
If you are considering or already participating in couples therapy, it may be helpful to reflect on your own intentions and emotional posture in the process. Are you showing up primarily to have your partner changed or proven wrong—or to understand yourself and your relationship more fully?
Turning the focus to yourself isn’t about being selfish—it’s about becoming more aware of how your own patterns shape the relationship, so you can show up with more clarity, compassion, and connection. The more each partner is willing to take responsibility for their own part, the more likely therapy is to foster genuine and lasting change.
Couples therapy can be a profound opportunity for personal growth as well as relational healing. When partners begin to reflect on their own patterns—with openness and curiosity—they often discover that the power to reshape the relationship begins within.
If you and your partner are curious about reshaping your relationship in couples therapy, reach out to us here or call us at (310) 271 2275. We’re here to help.