Why Your Teen Is Testing You (and How to Stay Connected Anyway)

Guest Author: Neve Johnson, M.S., LMFT

Introduction

Parenting a teenager can feel like walking a tightrope—balancing your instinct to protect your child with the need to give them space to grow. During adolescence, young people crave independence and autonomy. They test boundaries, explore their identities, and begin to define who they are outside of their families.

This stage is completely normal—and essential for healthy development. But it often leads to tension between parents and teens. Parents want to keep their children safe; teens want the freedom to make their own choices. This push and pull can be exhausting, emotional, and sometimes painful for both sides.

Why Teens Test Limits

When teenagers push back, it’s not necessarily about rebellion or disrespect. More often, they’re testing the strength of your connection. A teen might challenge you, not to defy you, but to make sure your love and support remain steady even when things get hard.

In fact, teens often act out most with the parent they feel safest with—it’s their unspoken way of asking, “Do you still love me when I push back?” Recognizing this dynamic can help parents respond with understanding rather than anger or fear.

For parents, this period can bring a swirl of emotions: frustration, sadness, anger, stress, and even grief for the little child who once depended on you for everything. Watching your teen pull away is painful, but it’s also a necessary step in their journey toward adulthood. Adolescence is a time of trial and error—for both teens and parents.

How Parents Can Support Independence (While Staying Connected)

Finding the right balance between freedom and boundaries is key. Teens need space to explore who they are—but they also need structure to feel secure and accountable.

Encourage open conversations about what independence means to your teen. Listen to their perspective before setting limits, and involve them in creating expectations. When boundaries are co-created, teens feel respected and are more likely to take ownership of their choices.

Consistency is equally important. Clear, predictable boundaries help your teen feel safe, even as they test those boundaries. It’s the structure within which they can explore autonomy without feeling abandoned or misunderstood.

The Power of Open Communication

Communication during the teen years can be tricky. It’s normal for teenagers to resist talking or withdraw at times—but keeping the lines open matters more than ever.

Maintain an “open-door policy,” especially when it comes to emotions. Stay curious about your teen’s thoughts and experiences. Listen first, without judgment or immediate advice. Empathy builds trust; advice can come later.

By showing that your love is steady and unconditional—even in moments of conflict—you teach your teen that relationships can withstand challenges. This sense of security becomes a foundation for their emotional resilience.

When Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be a valuable support for both parents and teens during this transitional stage.

• For teens: It offers a safe, confidential space to explore emotions, identity, and stress without fear of judgment.

• For parents: It provides insight into adolescent development, communication strategies, and effective boundary-setting.

Working with a therapist can strengthen family relationships and ease the challenges that come with navigating independence. You don’t have to go through this phase alone—help and guidance are available.

Supporting Families at PBA Psychology Group

At PBA Psychology Group, we understand that parenting a teenager can feel overwhelming at times. Our clinicians are experienced in helping families strengthen communication, manage conflict, and navigate the emotional ups and downs of adolescence.

Whether your teen is struggling with mood changes, anxiety, or simply growing into their independence, therapy can help you both reconnect and move forward with confidence.

If you’re ready to support your family’s growth, we invite you to contact us here or call us at (310) 271 2275 to learn more about our adolescent and family therapy services. Together, we can help your teen—and your relationship—thrive.